LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Your energy is largely dependent on other people, what with you needing to feed on their life-force to retain your youth. But even a psychic vampire needs time alone, you know? Why don't you grab some of those extra high-fuel life-forces you keep canned in the cellar - Eu de Yoga Mom works great for me - and take off for the weekend? Fly to a mountaintop. Find yourself. Look at the world; it's older than old; are you worried about youth now? Just a thought.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Avoid dinner parties with anyone except immediate family, even those casual arrangements, and especially with the widow next door who sets the table for thirteen when y'all just having coffee. Wait until november to spend the night at, say, your friend's great uncle's creaky-ass mansion with a cast of very extravagant aristocrats fond of shaping their personalities around specific themes (colors, drug habits (Dame Driftenflake with the snuff, Lord Sunsetter; the opium)). I can guarantee any engagements prior to next month will culminate in an electrical failure right as Winona Yum (with the ecstasy) remarks upon the chill. You know the pattern: panic panic panic, lights back on, dead guy stabbed in the back with a letter attached, it's in code, of course it is, how very fun, let's stay in the mansion now and see if we can decipher it before we're all picked off, it's like rush week meets The Hunger Games, Stacy I'm not shitting you literally I'm so sorry I have to whisper right now I'm hiding in a trunk but like it's so hard I'm wasted haha oh my gosh do you think Dr. Wavey (with the 'ludes) would hook up with me tho? Like for a little bit ... Wait shush haha no lie I was hearing footsteps but they. . . stopped.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Just because the stars are encouraging you to kick a bad habit this month doesn't mean you have to do it. Plenty of people will encourage plenty of things in your life, kid, but how relaxing is the knowledge that when you get home from work, you'll have a nice warm Ouija board to greet you? A colony of friends? When they come through your television, does it feel like you're wanted? Like you remind them of home? We are all, despite our virtues, united more strongly by our flaws in every avenue. You are probably dooming yourself in the end, but maybe each of you longs for something the other has. Not true?

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - A stranger thinks you're pretty cute, or cut-up-able, i can't really read what it says in my crystal ball here cause the WiFi is terrible, so watch out for hotties this month unless it indeed says "cut-up-able" in which case I suggest that if you find yourself invited to a Halloween soiree be nice to everyone, and especially no pissing off a side character with violent emotional problems in the beginning and then forgetting about them until wayyyyy after nothing can be rectified and you have no cell phone battery with said side character in its deft and tireless stalking behind you in the darkest field in the whole county but don't worry, cutie, we've been caring about your plight for the last 90 minutes and I'll bet this thirteen dollar ticket it turns out all right for you, it has to, or everything is a lie.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - This is the moment for your career to do whatever it is careers do, I don't really know, but like my Night Alien said: none of you really know anything anyway (I got offended, he asked me who won the last Milky Way Scrimmage, I said what, he said get out of here with your no-pride-in-your-galaxy-having-behind, I went back to Earth and we don't talk anymore I mean if you see him be nice but just try to ignore his existence Stacy srsly).

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - Any chronic health problems since last year? Convulsions, quivers, shivers? The old chills/thrills/spills thing? Headaches? Ennui? I think you're being poisoned, actually; slowly, almost - loving, but not; calculated, dwelled-upon, careful. Well maybe you shouldn't be such a fascist?

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Do me a favor: don't get in the whip just to bypass all five Toys R Uses (Toys R-i?) on the way to some creepy alley to get a toy for your kid sister. Think simple. Occam's Razor and shit. Don't think, oh, there's a veiled hag peddling dusty and light-deprived wares for no money in a shop with one lightbulb that smells like wet wood, sure, let me pick up a smiling puppet that can't ever leave its glass case, let me pray the hag takes Visa, let me welcome the frowning puppet into my car and my home, sure, now it's smiling again - wait a second. Do you see now?!?!? *recording ends* And that was five months ago, Officer Smith, and no trace.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - An annoying or troublesome person who’s been sapping your energy takes leave from your life for a while, and it comes as a huge relief. Perhaps a bad boss, a downer of a friend, a veteran hater. Perhaps he's your bestie's scumbag boyfriend so you trapped him in a painting: leaning against the rearmost hay-bale in a rolling pastoral, one hand shading his eyes from – what? – the cadmium sun. By the way this is totally off topic lol but I lost the teen I’m babysitting and my next-door-witch (Claven As She Is A Bryde of Night, Cloake Pinned At The Sinewy Throate, Knuckles Weighted With Ringse and Teeth o' Babef) says she hasn't seen him can I use your phone?

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - You find yourself drawn to children this month, and one child in particular: a boy, a fourth grader. You sub his art class sometimes when your raw meat performance at the Semi-Free School (Mass Carnage: Jazzercise), culls noooot quiittee enough donations to match the rising cost of various mid-level beef cuts across the board. The boy's name is Billy, and you notice he’s always accompanied by phantom chatter: whispers, arguments. When you say “Hey Billy, your phantom voices are a little disruptive and I have to teach you guys about cubes,” his eyes turn black for like, two full seconds, but even before that none of the children wanted to sit next to him because there’s always one or two flies walking around on his shirt or in his hair – you suppose it’s to be expected what with the rotting meat smell – and you feel bad for him sometimes which is why you're nice and we like you, but stay back. Affix yourself in all the rosaries and Christ (no relation)-themed draperies et. al that Spencer's can offer and tell that demon to fall behind you, child. One day that kid is going to start, I dunno, showing up in your dreams, standing in your closet closing the door all slow and creaky like, twisting his head 360 degrees for the entertainment of the whole lunch line. These things are powerful: I know some day he'll sneeze during the Drill. You’ll be all “Bless you, Billy. He’ll start convulsing and projectile vomit black tar onto your sneakers, and all the children silent and saucer-eyed now, motionless from years of Freeze Tag conditioning. They know you are truly powerless, you’ll have to send him to the principal’s office, but when you regain the meek authority to eke out a "Pack up your things, principal's office” from deep inside him a voice echoes I AM THE ETERNAL PRINCIPAL, MY OFFICE IS HELL and he bursts into flames until nary a bit of Billy is left, just reoccurring night terrors that stretch long into your life, but hey you can’t win 'em all. He probably wasn’t going to graduate High School anyway, not with that attitude.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Oh, I'm so glad you called and thank the Dark 1, you're having a baby, I mean, lol jk that's a beautiful thing for human people to do. Reach me anytime if you ever need a sitter! Sure, sure, you folk are still young, I'm retired, you know, it's no trouble if you ever need some time - oh, well thanks, I'm honored! Quite honored. . .*eyes slink away to the pile of bones on the veranda, writes Stephen King*

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - The heavens are bunk for you, pretty much through all of next month. have you been cursed? Go through your jewelry. Any contain the following: tigers’ eyes, hair-strands, tied; bones, barnacles, wax, wicks, hooks, clips, keys, locks, stones, rocks, feathers, boxes, skull of lizard, heathers, trinkets, crows’ teeth, clinkets, charms of brass, pressed leaves, cameos, wings of bats? Mirrored lockets that seem to fade your reflection? Giant rubies that, in the right light, show the face of your last dead relative? A necklace that grows tighter throughout the day. A rosary, swinging on its own? Rings that give you boils? Earrings that whisper little suggestions, soft against your ear, like a lover: buy milk, you’re low. . .buy butter, you’re low. . .buy arsenic, you’re low. . . let’s go get lost somewhere, baby, the bottom of a river. Yeah um that’s a problem. No wonder you seem so out-of-sorts, your twitter lately has been so not like u.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - You're changing your appearance, that's. . .cute. By the words of Mandy Moore in The Princess Diaries, "Look who's trying to fit in now." I don't think so, I saw you on the D list last week while I was flicking stars for Kim K, do you even texturize your hair with. . .you know. . .*looks back at my squad, confers, confirms, smirks, flips hair, in a low voice*. . .with blood? *it pours from our mouths* *it fills the whole volleyball court*