LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - An idealistic, artful sign, you are always chasing recognition for your talents and passions. This month you may find that recognition is coming from all directions, quickly, and with their various added responsibilities, like answering emails which is a thing I hear people do when they are adults, and the pressure can at times make you kinda super nervous! Don't worry, it's okay. The same thing happens to me when a hot person tries to say what's up and my brain is like ....................................................................
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....................................................... I'm sorry but we don't carry that brand at this time? I can refer you to our website?

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - "Can't wait to watch the season premiere of GIRLS next year," I said, carving out my left eye with a melonballer. *Melts into a pool of skin until there's only my right hand, reaching toward the sky, or something, one desperate claw, and then a shiver away into nothing, just a dumbass puddle, and I rise into the clouds due to a process of the water cycle known as evaporation, and I travel around a little bit and someday from the clouds I see the GIRLS having a picnic and I rain right on them. On all of them.* As a Scorpio, I am using myself as an example here. Lighten up and be a little less judgmental this month. It's about to be Halloween! Chill out, live a little, hate that goddamn show, and keep peace with people. More friends equals more people with which to burn the hemlock when the moon shows her shrew's eye in the black harvest night. Or something.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Speaking of friends, those things will be in your central focus this month. Oh - oh - wait *clutches earpiece* - no, Sally, I'm just now getting it was friendship bracelets. Not friends. I - *chuckles* - I'm not sure what that is either, Sally, I have a career. *Suddenly solemn.*

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Oh, the poem that is an autumnal fog in the first October morn, the knowledge of the world turning, oh the barbecued air in the crisp backyards, ohhhhhh business! Yes, the exquisite alchemy of coins into dollars, dollars into further dollars, further dollars into a new pool FOR THE KIDS IT'S A KID THING. *Flops around in my momkini drinking a martini flipping my blowoutini that complements my tanini perfectlini because apparently when you are a well-to-do mom everything attractive ends in ini.* Linguine sales suddenly skyrocket.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - You have the need to go travel around this month. With the sun in fellow air sign Libra, you feel encouraged to wander around on the breeze listening to "Hey There Delilah" while harboring a single tear on your cheek. You had me for a while until that HTD business. God, I don't even want to type that again openly.

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - October brings - oh, okay, you're meditating…okay, see you next month.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Overall, you can expect a month of incredible change. Keep them in numbered milk gallons for better hauling to a Coinstar in November! OMG I just realized if you're making a commercial for Coinstar DO YOU USE A JINGLE? This is a need-to-know thing so get at me: pandora.christ.rulez@gmail.com.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - You have a lot of choices to make, but don't let yourself be influenced by trivial hangups. As I saw on an actual tattoo, verbatim, "Dont [sic] let the past, make your dicisions [sic], for today." Okay it wasn't actually seen by me but on tumblr. Reblogged it doe.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - This is a great time for creativity, so if you always wanted to go move to New York and do that weird thing, hop on I-95 bitches cause we're taking the Megabus due to budget cuts sorry to bring that up so late.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - With the sun in your fourth house of home and family, your heart is all warmed up like a big ol' chocolate chip microwaved on 100 power for five seconds. The people and places that bring you the most comfort are in the spotlight, and you're all let's snuggle and watch Hocus Pocus 600 times or we haven't done this month right!

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - You're so busy you're actually keeping a planner after years of stacking up empty ones in your room because you liked the idea of it more than anything else and the covers were pretty and Borders was closing *R.I.P.* *pour a 40 out* *word to my booksellers.* That's cool I mean I have nothing really to advise, just wear insoles. Yep, the stars actually say that. Won't shut ^ about it either LOL, your mom texts.

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Ah, the majesty of cinema. A reel's whir in the thick dark, the white leap of a screen. Stories-tall totems scrolling to their fates, beautiful ones, even when they are ugly, even when they are robbing banks or exorcising or climbing their last condemned stair to the rope. The people in their seats, silver-faced, captive; the roar of a last train, a cigarette burn where the sun should be. Here are some movies you need to watch this month:

Requiem for a Dream
Trainspotting
Sid & Nancy
Thirteen
Traffic
Blow
Scarface

Don't do drugs.