VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - It's looking pretty good for you overall, despite problems with a child, or money issues. Here's a quick fix for that: sell the child. He won't remember. His new, happy life will eventually turn you into a repressed memory and you can move on with your wealth! *dusts off hands like in the movies*

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Venus will be retrograde from December to January, so if you were planning on getting plastic surgery, move it up to the end of November or the end of January. You should probably go with the end of November, though; no one in this town gets anywhere with a nose like that, honey *takes a drag off a cigarette attached to a very long holder while wearing shiny gloves and studying myself in the mirror with the discerning eye of an actress who gave up everything for her dreams and now passes day after day in futile vanity, her aging beauty compensating wildly for life's lies and disappointments, its false promises and long-dead dreams . . .* Or something.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - This month is about your career, on which I shall elaborate after first discovering what the hell a “career” is. Some form of pet antelope? A french toaster? What?

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Look at you! College has paid off and now you're getting a salary. I love it! Salary in chicken salad, salary sticks with peanut butter, a shoot of salary in the first bloody mary of the morning. Good for you, Sagittarius, you go, Sagittarius.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - You're going to parties like every day and it's getting really annoying. I don't even know who you've become, Capricorn, since you started hanging out with those rock and rollers beneath the football bleachers during study hall, smoking rollies and flipping silver dollars looking all self-satisfyingly bored. You used to be different, dude. You used to care. You used to come to Math Club every Wednesday. I miss you.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - So basically one prominent astrologer said that you'll win the lottery this month and give it all to charity, which makes me not want to tell you that, because of course you have to be a unique Aquarius and not blow millions of dollars on arbitrary collectibles, street drugs, and Nike Airs for the whole neighborhood. It's like, what's even the point?

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - Life has been pretty awesome for you the past year. Every month I try to find something snarky to say about you, Pisces, but like I say to myself while studying my alabaster complexion and regal jawline in the mirror every morning: you're looking too damn good.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - This is an opportune time to get a shot. That's really it. You're like, “No TB for me, BB!” And I'm like, that's a pretty good choice being that it's 1918. What next, nerd, gonna go see a moving picture? You know you have to spend half the time reading subtitles, which is almost as bad as reading anything for a full amount of time. Words are stoopid.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) – If you're married, take a vacation this weekend with the one you love. If you're not married: high five bro!!! Can't put a ball and chain on this witch!!! *does the cabbage patch* *leave me alone it's not embarrassing*

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - Your home is the main focus in your life this September; you can't wait to redecorate and set out little plastic cornucopias because it's autumn, bitches, and we're gonna party like we still believe in a Harvest Mother. Home brings you the most happiness and comfort, but slow down, Emily Dickinson. Don't renovate so much that you've pounded out all the corners and now you don't know where to turn. One day you may find you don't recognize your dwelling. One day you may find you've build yourself into a room where you haven't also made a door.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - Many Cancers are going back to school this month; most, to further their education in a specific area of study. One or less of you, however, may be posing as a high school student to complete your first assignment as an undercover reporter for The Chicago Sun-Times at the behest of your vaguely senile boss. Look, I know you're nervous because you were hired as a lowly copy-editor and are vastly unprepared for this job (as your circus of promiscuous coworkers advises), and I know high school wasn't that fun the first time around, and I know you've never been kissed. But, like, you're Drew Barrymore. Could be worse for you. You could, for instance, have a short term memory that lasts only a day, ensuring that every first date you go on is repeated 50 times. Or you could have an evil stepmother who burned your father's copy of Utopia because the year is 1620 and she has no idea how much an original of that is gonna cost in the future, especially when you factor in inflation. People in the old days were so dumb.

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Mars in Leo gives you excess energy for the next 30 days, like you dropped a quaalude in a Red Bull and now your face feels funny, like, numbed a little, but at least the house is clean. Just don't forget to chill out, too; remember there's always a threshold for “too much of a good thing.” It's six in the morning, dude. Stop talking so fast. Where are your pants?