LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - Happy Birthday, that's all. *gives u daps*

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Everyone seems to be going on vacation without you while you read Facebook and eat dry cereal in bed. Perk up! You can have fun by yourself, you know? In the olden days of the seventies, young boys and girls and peoples would carry around rocks inside little cardboard homes and paint them and give them names. Some kids had paper routes! Hahahaha! What's paper!?

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - Relationships this month are putting you through more emotional ups and downs than the fourth season of The OC (Marissa needs to check her privilege, amirite?!). Don't stress over other people's baggage; leave that to the TSA - buh dum tick! Just be happy with yourself because you are cute, funky, and beautiful like a dolphin jumping over a pizza drawn by Lisa Frank.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - Saturn--the planet of obstacles, challenges, and hard work--has crept into your sign where it will stay there being a huge beeyotch until 2015. Don't get discouraged; Saturn's function is to build character and make you stronger while cutting fat and elongating your glutes and lats for a more sleek, toned physique. LOL all of that information came from an infomercial. I don't know WTF a lat is. *eats three thousand pounds of ice cream*

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - Lucky you! There's a definite chance you'll get to travel this month, a great opportunity for an adventurous sign like yourself. You're all, "I'm gonna read Eat. Pray. Love. and then call my guru and hike the craggy peaks of Tibet with only the solitude of a freezing wind and a trusty kid." 'Kid' meaning 'docile baby mountain goat.' That's awesome and I hope you take pictures but keep those pictures to yourself because has no one realized that when you go on vacation all of your pictures are just of you standing in front of shit smiling? Talk about a snoozefest.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Your name must be Texas, cause no one is trying to mess with you. Especially pregnant people (zing! Texas sucks 4 women! LOL!). Just tone down the attitude around your parents, 'cause, like, they committed to incubating your little zygote face until you became a big wet baby without even knowing if you would grow up to be a serial killer or some other shit they'd have partial responsibility for. If that's not love I don't know what is, yo.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - The planets in your chart JUST want me to talk about your career like I'm your publicist and you're Kristen Stewart after she made out with that non-sparkling human freak while she was dating Cedric Diggory. But that is sooooooooooooooooooo booooooooooooring to meeeeeeeee guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *faints onto a chaise lounge*

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - I really don't know what to say to you, because you're in love, which means you sold out. Just go ahead and shave your mohawk off like Heroin Bob just died cause I am liquefying your punx card, norm.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - It's a beautiful time for you, Aries. Mad biddies be like "hay gurl r u a college graduate cause imma hook you up with a dream job!" Pssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'll give your mom a dream job. All I got from this college degree was a Nalgene during Org. Week and a complicated sense of entitlement that refuses to gel with my terminal self-loathing. H8 u~

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - Your Fourth House of home comfort is full of dazzling planetary influences that scream, "Decorate, decorate! Sconces, duvet, mahogany, TABLE SKIRTS! HNNNNNNGGGGG." You're more excited than a Real Housewife clopping her Blahniks through the Ikea with her indiscriminately foreign husband's black Amex and a cart full of curtain swatches like, "A loft bed?!!!! For the corgis???!! What a steal!" Just, you know, don't go overboard. You are not your possessions. If you're rude as hell I don't care about that accent wall. You know?

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - With planets highlighting your money sector, you're happier than a Wall Street banker blowing a line off a Senator's daughter. This is a good time to talk with a cigar between your teeth. Other activities favored by this influence include: buying stock in weapons contractors, flying your illegitimate son into Cabo for senior week, acquiring a thoroughbred racehorse.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - You are what astrologers are calling the "celestial favorite," being that Jupiter is in your sign until next July. You can do whatever you want and it will probably work out, so think carefully. For great freedom is a gift, my child, but some gifts are better than others; a pony, for instance, friggin rocks as a present. Now, a videotape you must show to someone else after watching it because there's a chance a little damp girl with terrible phone etiquette will crawl out of your TV (4D definition is the way of the future)--that's not a good present. Bad present. Bad. Sometimes freedom is a videotape that kills you. Proceed with caution.