CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22) - You're in for a great month until July 31st. I know, I know, you're like, "But that's Harry Potter's birthday!" And I'm like, that shit is made-ass-up.

LEO (JULY 23-AUGUST 22) - If you're a Leo and an actor of some sort, you will see some great recognition come your way in the future. With a Cancer Jupiter in your private 12th house of inner emotion and psychological creativity, you'll acquire the necessary acting tools that turn any garden variety Kathy Griffin into a giant flying Meryl Streep with eyes that burn like a thousand Golden Globes on fire in my backyard (I mean...what?). All Leos, actors or not, can expect to get some notice unless you're Leo DiCaprio, in which case you can just forget getting awarded ever. #christophwaltz #instagrammelikeoneofyourfrenchchicks #wtfwasshutterislandabout #takeitseriously #foronce #god

VIRGO (AUGUST 23-SEPTEMBER 22) - Look at u, u lil social butterfly. You're about to meet an extraordinary amount of new people as well as begin to say goodbye to old friendships that may feel tired or strained. You can thank your new clothes for that one; no offense but you're kind of boring otherwise. Like a walking slab of beige drywall in Forever21 culottes. Nice culottes doe...

LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23-OCTOBER 22) - July 29th is going to be your best day ever, unless of course it isn't, in which case I take no responsibility.

SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23-NOVEMBER 21) - With Jupiter in your 9th house of mind expansion and higher education, it's a great time to pony up and go back to college. Just kidding, this is America LOL college hahahahahahahaha yer screwed. And get that pony out of here, this is a dorm, no seriously, that does not make you "alternative," I have class in the morning, if that thing neighs one more time, wait till the RA hears about this one, I'm calling my dad, he's on the school board, etc.

SAGITTARIUS (NOVEMBER 22-DECEMBER 21) - You can expect to walk away from this month with a huge chunk of cash, which is great if you earned it in some form, but not so great if it's in an abandoned briefcase that gets switched with your briefcase on the train but you don't notice until you're home and it's making some weird whirring noise and now they're after you. Good job, Einstein.

CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22-JANUARY 19) - Buckle down. The middle of the month could bring you a surprise out of left field. If you're Daniel Nava that's cool, just fling it to third or at least the shortstop for a quick out or just grab that sucker out of the air. If you are not a professional left fielder then just stay away from everything until football season because I am telling you, the metaphorical Chris Davis is at the metaphorical plate and you are not friggin' prepared.

AQUARIUS (JANUARY 20-FEBRUARY 18) - Jupiter in your 6th house (Jupiter is exalted in his current sign of Cancer, so I'm talking a lot about Jupiter this month). The 6th house represents work and health. I'm an Aquarius rising, so I've been clocking mad hours and my booty's been getting pretty toned as a result. In fact, I look great. If you want to tell me that personally my email address is pandora.christ.rulez@gmail.com. Thanks you're sweet!!!

PISCES (FEBRUARY 19-MARCH 20) - People like you are who I should thank for the endless amount of engagement photo albums on my Facebook newsfeed, what with your dumb romantic happiness or whatever. I don't get a wedding invite but I do get to watch you suck face 48 times in various parks (with 2 photos that are like the "silly" ones with bunny ears or something, don't worry I WILL GIVE YOU THAT MUCH)? Yeah okay, I didn't want to eat today anyway that's fine.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19) - Mercury is retrograde until July 20th, so hold off buying that iPod until July 21st, and then hold off buying that iPod entirely. Do you even have a smart phone? This is 2013, get Spotify, Jesus Christ.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20) - There's a 45% chance you'll get on TV this month. But seriously get off that TV do you not see me watching Pretty Little Liars right now?

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20) - With Mars in your sign, you're getting lots of compliments for your new look. But is outer beauty really what you truly value? Even when you're empty inside? Think about it.